i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Randomize
