Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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