Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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