Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
P.S. I can't hear my feet
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
