I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
