the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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