i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Randomize
