We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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