She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
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