It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
