So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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