I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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