Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
