I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
im drinking this country out of the recession.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
