on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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