youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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