My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
