I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
She's the barista slut.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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