Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
