I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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