I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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