I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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