Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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