i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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