hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
