You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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