Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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