you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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