AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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