she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
