You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize