U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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