Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Someone shattered a urinal.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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