Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
