this beer tastes like vomit already
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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