Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
