I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
