i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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