Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
