Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
