I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
