I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
What drink are we having for lunch?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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