We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
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