Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
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