ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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