I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Randomize
