i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
