When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Randomize
