enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
