I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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