You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
