Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
the liver wants what the liver wants
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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