I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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