I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
