Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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