I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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