and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
