Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
