Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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