my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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