I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
