Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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